This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
