standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There's always time for handjobs
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
