I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
