help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
