I think my vagina is haunted
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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