I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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