The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
