If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
