Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize