i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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