the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
