he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
