I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
