first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
