He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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