I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize