soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
