go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
