is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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