don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
