i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
