i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I deserve this hangover.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
