guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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