Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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