He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
