Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
