Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
