In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my being single is dangerous.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
