I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
