i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
