The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
