I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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