My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
