the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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