WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
