Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
