My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
