the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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