And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
