Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
