Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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