I was born with a shot glass in my hand
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize