He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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