moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
