I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
