He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
