We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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