You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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