You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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