I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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