The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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