You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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