i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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