Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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