Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
