i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
