my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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