they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
