just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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